September 5th, 2014: Hope

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.
Honestly, I didn't think through how my blog should work.
I'm thinking of turning it into a poetry blog, but for now, I have more to say.
Where to begin? I recently went on a 5 day trip to Florida to visit my grandparents. It was beautiful down there, and I enjoyed the visit, but I honestly don't think I could live down south. It's too... flat. There's no mountains, you can see for miles, and after awhile, that gets boring. I like having mountains around me. And autumn. Autumn is so beautiful in Vermont, I couldn't think of a more beautiful landscape for the foliage. Winter, too. I actually like winter. I don't like being stuck in 3+ feet of snow, no. But I love cold weather; I love winter jackets and boots; I love sledding and building in the snow; I love hot chocolate on a cold winter night; I love fires, the scenery, everything.
Overall, however, Florida was very beautiful in a different way. I got tan quickly, but didn't burn. I saw beautiful sights and creatures, and got to see my grandparents and catch up, which we haven't done in so long. It was wonderful.
The only downside is that I'll need to make up all the work I missed in school. Only 4 days worth, but it's still going to be a long week next week, but not impossible. And all of my teachers are very kind and understanding, luckily.
But there is another thing weighing me down. I don't know how to explain it. While I was gone, of course I missed my SO, even though I was only gone 5 days. It's always difficult to be far from someone you love. I missed him until I got back and saw him today. It was hard to be away, despite the fun I had. I am afraid to say I'm too emotionally attached to him. I have separation anxiety, among other anxieties, jealousies, irrational worries and so on, that make traveling a bit difficult. But in all of that, I have let myself become depressed. I will not go into detail on that, for the emotions weighing on me cannot be explained through text. Instead, I wanted to tell a different story.
Throughout my depression worsening, and my fears getting heavier, I have weighed more than I should have allowed upon Josh. While he's wonderful, any person would become burdened by all the emotions I have bled out over the past few months. And it hurts me to hurt him in that way, when he could always do better. Yet, he chooses to stay, for a reason unbeknownst to me. I really am blessed to have such a wonderful person to support me. At the same time, I feel so horrid putting all of this on such a great person. But I try to do my best for him all the same, and hope that my burdens will not weigh him down.
Also, in all of these anxieties consuming me, I have accidentally left people behind. I'm an introvert naturally, and I tend to take online/text conversations casually. I care about what people have to say, but it's hard to explain. Sometimes, I just don't feel like talking. I don't mean to ignore people or make them feel bad, it's not anything they do. It's completely me. Sometimes, I just like time to myself, away from conversation, but I also forget that sometimes people just need someone to talk to. And so, to my dearest friends, here are my most sincere apologies to you.
I promise you, it's none of you; I am often sad or just not in the mood to talk. I am often separate from my SO, and then my anxieties consume me again, leaving me unable to take on even a half-assed conversation. But, without further adieu, and in no particular order;

To Connor;
I miss your calls a lot. I don't mean to, again. It's all me. I sometimes forget to message you back, and I'm sorry. I sometimes decline to play games with you, and I'm sorry. I know how much it means to you. You're really funny, I miss sitting at lunch with you and having chorus with you. Hopefully I have another class with you before I graduate.

To Marisa;
You tried to get to know me better, and you've always been around to talk to, which I appreciate. For some reason, I was too socially awkward to make anything more than small talk, and I'm sorry. I wanted to open up more, but something stopped me, and I don't know what it is. Know that it's nothing personal, however. You never did anything wrong. Anything holding me back is all my own, and I'm sorry for that.

To Nate;
I miss hearing from you more often. I miss being able to help you out. I'm sorry that I reply so slowly. Please don't take it personally, you're a great person and friend. But sometimes my sadness and anxieties get the better of me. But I really am sorry, I know you need people to talk to. I'm so sorry.

To Travis;
I know I miss your calls a lot. I'm sorry. I don't want to ignore you, and I don't mean to. You're an awesome person, and you've helped me out in hard times. But sometimes when you call, my siblings are screaming. Sometimes, I'm away from my phone. Sometimes, I am too sad to talk. I'm sorry. I never mean to ignore you, and it's nothing personal. You're a wonderful friend, and I miss talking to you without straining to make conversation, frator non sanguinare.

To Jess;
I'm sorry you don't hear from me as often anymore, or sometimes I don't reply when I'm online. You're so kind and a wonderful friend, and I really do miss you. I sometimes forget to look at my messages, I sometimes just can't reply, but it's nothing you do. I'm sorry.

To James;
I'm sorry for complaining about my problems to you so often when you're depressed, too. My life isn't all that bad, you have more of a right than I to complain. I'm sorry you haven't heard from me much otherwise. I try not to bug you, but I do miss you. You're wonderful and honest, and always give me a reality check when I need it. Thank you.

To Katie;
I'm sorry I don't text/reply to you as often as you want to talk. I really don't mean to ignore you. I'm just not as big of a conversationalist as you are. It's no fault of yours, you're wonderful. It's all my own, my own anxieties. I do miss you, a whole lot. I just can't find the words to express that.

To Lily;
I hope you're well. I don't hear from you often, either. I miss you, and wonder how you're doing often. I hope your situations are well, and you're doing well, too. If only I had helped more when I had the chance. I'm sorry that I didn't take that chance. Perhaps opportunity will present itself in the future, and I may be able to then.

To Ashley;
I haven't heard from you in forever. Josh and I worry about you a lot, wonder if you're okay. I haven't seen you in school since the year began, and it makes me worry more. I see you post occasionally, but otherwise, I haven't heard much. Whatever you're going through, I'm sorry that I didn't help when I had the chance. I hope to do better once I see you again.

To Megan;
I saw that you needed help, too. Someone to talk to. I could have done that for you. You're a pleasant person to talk to, and a good friend. But yet, I didn't reach out and help you when I could have. I left you alone, and I'm sorry for that. I could have easily offered my help. I don't know why I didn't.

To Nicole;
You're such a wonderful person, inside and out. You made my freshman and sophomore year of highschool bearable. You were always there to help when I needed it, but somehow when you needed support I wasn't there, and I'm sorry. I miss you so much this year, but I hope you're well.

To River;
You're a great person, too. Someone I miss greatly, even though I haven't talked to you in ages. You're great, but I complained to you so often about petty things. I was so awful and dramatic and whiny. I don't know how you put up with it. Thank you for that. I know you said it's nothing to worry about now, but I still feel bad about it. Perhaps I can find a way to make it up to you.

To Kyle;
You're a lot of fun to be around; you know how to make people smile, and always have, even when you couldn't make yourself smile. I don't talk to you often, but there's a lot I did to you that I regret. I'm so sorry I was so selfish in middle school and bothered you so often. I don't even remember why I did. But you didn't deserve that. Yet, I made you go through that, and I'm sorry. I wish I could undo that, or in the least, find a way to make it up to you.

To Hunter;
You're a good person, even though you make bad choices sometimes. I know you care about people, and you're a good friend. I wasn't always a great friend. I wanted to gain your attention, so I tried to do things to get you to notice. When it didn't work, for some reason, I was surprised. I'm sorry that I tried that. It was wrong in multiple ways, something I can never undo. I'm sorry.

To Taylor;
I did something horrible to you. I'm so sorry. Everyday it haunts me. I can never shake off what I did. I'll never be able to make it right, because I'm selfish and consumed in my anxieties. I really am sorry. I'm sorry that things might be this way indefinitely because of my stupid emotions getting in the way. You deserve better friends than that, and all I did was take away from you. I'm so sorry. I wish there was a way I could repay these actions. Perhaps someday I can find a way.

To Siobhan;
I haven't heard from you in awhile, but I miss talking to you. You were always a great friend in middle school, but I took advantage of your kindnesses. I was selfish, and put my wants before yours. I ignored how you felt, and went for things I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry. I still regret it today.

To Tiffany;
You have always been such a wonderful and honest person. You've always been kind, but never a pushover. I'm so sorry for all the crap I made you deal with of my personality. I was selfish, and I didn't even bother to help you in your difficult times when I easily could have. I'm so sorry.

To Katelynn;
You, too, have always been a kind person, and a great friend. Always fun to be around, and you shared a lot of my interests. I tried to copy you, and I'm sorry. It was foolish of me to do so, and I can't remember why I did. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. And I didn't help you, either, with all your hardships, when I also could have. I'm sorry. I was too selfish to think of anyone else.

To Kristina;
My dear older sister, I've always admired and looked up to you. You helped me out a lot when we were growing up together, but now you're the one who needs help. Often, I'm not there for you, and I'm so sorry. Know that you can always reach me. It hurts me a lot to think of your depression and struggles, and realize how little I've done to actively help. I'm so sorry. I want to do better for you, as you've always done for me, but I'm afraid I might never be able to repay your kindnesses to me.

To Josh;
Of course, you're more than my friend. You're my best friend, my SO; you're mine. And I can't tell you through words how grateful I am for that. You're such a great person, and I'm shocked that you can't see that. You have such a kind heart, and you always want to help someone if you can. I don't know why you choose to stay with me, with all that I put on you. I often put my needs before yours, and I'm so sorry for that. You need support more than I do; I don't know why I act so selfishly. I still don't know why my anxieties control me, or why I feel the need to pour out all of my emotions onto you. I'm so sorry that I do, but know that you're a great help to me. I just hate to burden you so much and be so selfish. It's terribly unfair of me. You deserve better. You deserve what I took away from you. And I'm so sorry. There are things that I did and said that I'll never be able to take back from you. I've done so much, I'm surprised you even think of me the same way. I'm so sorry I've put all this on you, and only thought of myself in the process. I hardly think of how difficult it is for you, but only myself. I'm so, so sorry. There's so much I can never repay you for; I'm so indebted to you and your kindnesses. I'm so grateful for everything you've done, but you could be doing so much better. You could find someone without anxieties or worries as intense as mine; someone who doesn't lose sleep at night over irrational fears and thoughts; someone who doesn't make you lose sleep in the process. I don't quite know how to make any of that up to you yet. Hopefully, I can find the way, and in the meantime do my best to make up half as much as you've done over the past year and a half. I'm so sorry, for everything.

To all friends and acquaintances, mentioned and not mentioned;
I'm sorry I'm so terribly socially awkward. Small talk is an oddity to me. I don't let anyone see past my exterior, and I try to come off as kind, happy, and friendly. Usually, I am. But honestly, I've always been selfish, and I'm so sorry for that. I've met so many wonderful people, yet not once did I think of anyone but myself. I'm so sorry. You all deserve better than that. I'm sorry I'm so introverted; conversation wears me out. My anxieties control me, and I spend every second of every day irrationally thinking. Although I try to be welcoming, my selfish tendencies and worries get the best of me. I'm sorry. I cannot make any promises or guarantees, but I will try my best to do better as my last year in highschool progresses. If anyone needs me, you can always reach me on Facebook, Twitter (not recommended, I don't check often), email, Skype, text, or Gchat (also not recommended). If you need a means of contacting me, just ask. I really do want to help people, but the first step is becoming more selfless and doing more for others rather than thinking of myself first. I honestly don't hate anyone. I love people, I love making others happy. And it's time that I actually start doing that.
Again, I'm so sorry to you all. But perhaps now I can stop wallowing in self-pity and do something to make others happy again. What use is happiness if you cannot share it? And if I can repay anything, it's happiness.
Thank you all for everything you've done to me. I've met so many kind people over the years, I can't even recount all the kindnesses given to me. But perhaps I can begin to repay the kindnesses, one by one.