October 26th, 2014: Poetry Has No Other Place

Seeing as I don't have many places to store my poetry, I might just turn this into another poetry blog. Maybe. Until I decide, I have a poem. Who would've guessed.

There was a letter I left awhile back
In my best penmanship, I wrote to you
Of times we lost, yet it seems I still lack
The words to say what I had once meant to.

For I may not know myself much these days
The hours now linger in empty space.
I’m afraid I’m left with nothing to say
The person I was no more has a face.

And I am but a follower to him,
In my fear, I lost, and now am alone
I never even spread myself too thin,
Yet there was still so much I didn't know. 

Be resentful, dear friend; I deserve this.
I would beseech your forgiveness had I
Earned it; no, I am not one to be missed.
I’m sorry; there is no room here to lie. 

And so I shall arise from this shadow
Of the person who deserves his freedom,
From the girl who couldn't just let him go
Or let her fears chase around her demons. 

I let my vices take over my life;
My days are no longer my own to call.
Living vicariously through one’s strife
Is scarcely being alive, after all. 

Though virtue is forlorn, it still remains
Beneath the folds of doubt, folly and fear
Nothing lasts, but subtleties stay the same.
When the vices let go, the end is near. 

This side of me is a stranger, perhaps
But one that I have known and understood.
One who knows there is better than mishaps.
To find that person, who knows if I could. 

The journey is for ever perilous,
Full of anxieties from my own past
May my efforts not be made careless
And may my promise prove that I’ll last. 

My Recent Trip to Florida

I almost forgot - I took pictures in Florida! My grandfather loves pictures, so we created a compilation of pictures from my trip to save the memories. We had so much fun in Florida, and I'm glad we got a lot of pictures. Here they are!

Me at a nature center in FL.

A great horned owl at the nature center.

A hawk at the nature center with an injury on it's wing.

An alignment of cages at the nature center.

A very cute prairie dog lounging around in it's cage.

 A parrot at the back of it's cage.

 Turtles! (Look closely)

The inter-coastal on a boat tour.

A japanese pagoda replica on an island in FL.

A fish tank in a nature center. And an eel!

A ray camouflaging itself in the sand at the bottom of it's tank.

Blurry image, but a small shark swimming in it's tank.

A green sea turtle swimming in his tank. (Also blurry due to movement.)

The sea turtle again! Her name is Crescent.

A loggerhead sea turtle, 2 years of age. His name is Neptune!

The pool view by my grandfather's condominium. 

A very cute tourist with a giraffe tail.

My grandfather's adorable wife and that tourist again, this time ready to go swimming.

His wife and I again, at the nature center.

Gee willikers, what a cute tourist at the beach.

Sadly I have no photos of my grandfather and I together, but he did make me take 'selfies' with him. My grandfather, a 64 year old man, loves taking selfies with his family. He's adorable. When I get his selfies of him and I, I'll upload them here. Viajes felices!

September 5th, 2014: Hope

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.
Honestly, I didn't think through how my blog should work.
I'm thinking of turning it into a poetry blog, but for now, I have more to say.
Where to begin? I recently went on a 5 day trip to Florida to visit my grandparents. It was beautiful down there, and I enjoyed the visit, but I honestly don't think I could live down south. It's too... flat. There's no mountains, you can see for miles, and after awhile, that gets boring. I like having mountains around me. And autumn. Autumn is so beautiful in Vermont, I couldn't think of a more beautiful landscape for the foliage. Winter, too. I actually like winter. I don't like being stuck in 3+ feet of snow, no. But I love cold weather; I love winter jackets and boots; I love sledding and building in the snow; I love hot chocolate on a cold winter night; I love fires, the scenery, everything.
Overall, however, Florida was very beautiful in a different way. I got tan quickly, but didn't burn. I saw beautiful sights and creatures, and got to see my grandparents and catch up, which we haven't done in so long. It was wonderful.
The only downside is that I'll need to make up all the work I missed in school. Only 4 days worth, but it's still going to be a long week next week, but not impossible. And all of my teachers are very kind and understanding, luckily.
But there is another thing weighing me down. I don't know how to explain it. While I was gone, of course I missed my SO, even though I was only gone 5 days. It's always difficult to be far from someone you love. I missed him until I got back and saw him today. It was hard to be away, despite the fun I had. I am afraid to say I'm too emotionally attached to him. I have separation anxiety, among other anxieties, jealousies, irrational worries and so on, that make traveling a bit difficult. But in all of that, I have let myself become depressed. I will not go into detail on that, for the emotions weighing on me cannot be explained through text. Instead, I wanted to tell a different story.
Throughout my depression worsening, and my fears getting heavier, I have weighed more than I should have allowed upon Josh. While he's wonderful, any person would become burdened by all the emotions I have bled out over the past few months. And it hurts me to hurt him in that way, when he could always do better. Yet, he chooses to stay, for a reason unbeknownst to me. I really am blessed to have such a wonderful person to support me. At the same time, I feel so horrid putting all of this on such a great person. But I try to do my best for him all the same, and hope that my burdens will not weigh him down.
Also, in all of these anxieties consuming me, I have accidentally left people behind. I'm an introvert naturally, and I tend to take online/text conversations casually. I care about what people have to say, but it's hard to explain. Sometimes, I just don't feel like talking. I don't mean to ignore people or make them feel bad, it's not anything they do. It's completely me. Sometimes, I just like time to myself, away from conversation, but I also forget that sometimes people just need someone to talk to. And so, to my dearest friends, here are my most sincere apologies to you.
I promise you, it's none of you; I am often sad or just not in the mood to talk. I am often separate from my SO, and then my anxieties consume me again, leaving me unable to take on even a half-assed conversation. But, without further adieu, and in no particular order;

To Connor;
I miss your calls a lot. I don't mean to, again. It's all me. I sometimes forget to message you back, and I'm sorry. I sometimes decline to play games with you, and I'm sorry. I know how much it means to you. You're really funny, I miss sitting at lunch with you and having chorus with you. Hopefully I have another class with you before I graduate.

To Marisa;
You tried to get to know me better, and you've always been around to talk to, which I appreciate. For some reason, I was too socially awkward to make anything more than small talk, and I'm sorry. I wanted to open up more, but something stopped me, and I don't know what it is. Know that it's nothing personal, however. You never did anything wrong. Anything holding me back is all my own, and I'm sorry for that.

To Nate;
I miss hearing from you more often. I miss being able to help you out. I'm sorry that I reply so slowly. Please don't take it personally, you're a great person and friend. But sometimes my sadness and anxieties get the better of me. But I really am sorry, I know you need people to talk to. I'm so sorry.

To Travis;
I know I miss your calls a lot. I'm sorry. I don't want to ignore you, and I don't mean to. You're an awesome person, and you've helped me out in hard times. But sometimes when you call, my siblings are screaming. Sometimes, I'm away from my phone. Sometimes, I am too sad to talk. I'm sorry. I never mean to ignore you, and it's nothing personal. You're a wonderful friend, and I miss talking to you without straining to make conversation, frator non sanguinare.

To Jess;
I'm sorry you don't hear from me as often anymore, or sometimes I don't reply when I'm online. You're so kind and a wonderful friend, and I really do miss you. I sometimes forget to look at my messages, I sometimes just can't reply, but it's nothing you do. I'm sorry.

To James;
I'm sorry for complaining about my problems to you so often when you're depressed, too. My life isn't all that bad, you have more of a right than I to complain. I'm sorry you haven't heard from me much otherwise. I try not to bug you, but I do miss you. You're wonderful and honest, and always give me a reality check when I need it. Thank you.

To Katie;
I'm sorry I don't text/reply to you as often as you want to talk. I really don't mean to ignore you. I'm just not as big of a conversationalist as you are. It's no fault of yours, you're wonderful. It's all my own, my own anxieties. I do miss you, a whole lot. I just can't find the words to express that.

To Lily;
I hope you're well. I don't hear from you often, either. I miss you, and wonder how you're doing often. I hope your situations are well, and you're doing well, too. If only I had helped more when I had the chance. I'm sorry that I didn't take that chance. Perhaps opportunity will present itself in the future, and I may be able to then.

To Ashley;
I haven't heard from you in forever. Josh and I worry about you a lot, wonder if you're okay. I haven't seen you in school since the year began, and it makes me worry more. I see you post occasionally, but otherwise, I haven't heard much. Whatever you're going through, I'm sorry that I didn't help when I had the chance. I hope to do better once I see you again.

To Megan;
I saw that you needed help, too. Someone to talk to. I could have done that for you. You're a pleasant person to talk to, and a good friend. But yet, I didn't reach out and help you when I could have. I left you alone, and I'm sorry for that. I could have easily offered my help. I don't know why I didn't.

To Nicole;
You're such a wonderful person, inside and out. You made my freshman and sophomore year of highschool bearable. You were always there to help when I needed it, but somehow when you needed support I wasn't there, and I'm sorry. I miss you so much this year, but I hope you're well.

To River;
You're a great person, too. Someone I miss greatly, even though I haven't talked to you in ages. You're great, but I complained to you so often about petty things. I was so awful and dramatic and whiny. I don't know how you put up with it. Thank you for that. I know you said it's nothing to worry about now, but I still feel bad about it. Perhaps I can find a way to make it up to you.

To Kyle;
You're a lot of fun to be around; you know how to make people smile, and always have, even when you couldn't make yourself smile. I don't talk to you often, but there's a lot I did to you that I regret. I'm so sorry I was so selfish in middle school and bothered you so often. I don't even remember why I did. But you didn't deserve that. Yet, I made you go through that, and I'm sorry. I wish I could undo that, or in the least, find a way to make it up to you.

To Hunter;
You're a good person, even though you make bad choices sometimes. I know you care about people, and you're a good friend. I wasn't always a great friend. I wanted to gain your attention, so I tried to do things to get you to notice. When it didn't work, for some reason, I was surprised. I'm sorry that I tried that. It was wrong in multiple ways, something I can never undo. I'm sorry.

To Taylor;
I did something horrible to you. I'm so sorry. Everyday it haunts me. I can never shake off what I did. I'll never be able to make it right, because I'm selfish and consumed in my anxieties. I really am sorry. I'm sorry that things might be this way indefinitely because of my stupid emotions getting in the way. You deserve better friends than that, and all I did was take away from you. I'm so sorry. I wish there was a way I could repay these actions. Perhaps someday I can find a way.

To Siobhan;
I haven't heard from you in awhile, but I miss talking to you. You were always a great friend in middle school, but I took advantage of your kindnesses. I was selfish, and put my wants before yours. I ignored how you felt, and went for things I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry. I still regret it today.

To Tiffany;
You have always been such a wonderful and honest person. You've always been kind, but never a pushover. I'm so sorry for all the crap I made you deal with of my personality. I was selfish, and I didn't even bother to help you in your difficult times when I easily could have. I'm so sorry.

To Katelynn;
You, too, have always been a kind person, and a great friend. Always fun to be around, and you shared a lot of my interests. I tried to copy you, and I'm sorry. It was foolish of me to do so, and I can't remember why I did. You shouldn't have had to deal with that. And I didn't help you, either, with all your hardships, when I also could have. I'm sorry. I was too selfish to think of anyone else.

To Kristina;
My dear older sister, I've always admired and looked up to you. You helped me out a lot when we were growing up together, but now you're the one who needs help. Often, I'm not there for you, and I'm so sorry. Know that you can always reach me. It hurts me a lot to think of your depression and struggles, and realize how little I've done to actively help. I'm so sorry. I want to do better for you, as you've always done for me, but I'm afraid I might never be able to repay your kindnesses to me.

To Josh;
Of course, you're more than my friend. You're my best friend, my SO; you're mine. And I can't tell you through words how grateful I am for that. You're such a great person, and I'm shocked that you can't see that. You have such a kind heart, and you always want to help someone if you can. I don't know why you choose to stay with me, with all that I put on you. I often put my needs before yours, and I'm so sorry for that. You need support more than I do; I don't know why I act so selfishly. I still don't know why my anxieties control me, or why I feel the need to pour out all of my emotions onto you. I'm so sorry that I do, but know that you're a great help to me. I just hate to burden you so much and be so selfish. It's terribly unfair of me. You deserve better. You deserve what I took away from you. And I'm so sorry. There are things that I did and said that I'll never be able to take back from you. I've done so much, I'm surprised you even think of me the same way. I'm so sorry I've put all this on you, and only thought of myself in the process. I hardly think of how difficult it is for you, but only myself. I'm so, so sorry. There's so much I can never repay you for; I'm so indebted to you and your kindnesses. I'm so grateful for everything you've done, but you could be doing so much better. You could find someone without anxieties or worries as intense as mine; someone who doesn't lose sleep at night over irrational fears and thoughts; someone who doesn't make you lose sleep in the process. I don't quite know how to make any of that up to you yet. Hopefully, I can find the way, and in the meantime do my best to make up half as much as you've done over the past year and a half. I'm so sorry, for everything.

To all friends and acquaintances, mentioned and not mentioned;
I'm sorry I'm so terribly socially awkward. Small talk is an oddity to me. I don't let anyone see past my exterior, and I try to come off as kind, happy, and friendly. Usually, I am. But honestly, I've always been selfish, and I'm so sorry for that. I've met so many wonderful people, yet not once did I think of anyone but myself. I'm so sorry. You all deserve better than that. I'm sorry I'm so introverted; conversation wears me out. My anxieties control me, and I spend every second of every day irrationally thinking. Although I try to be welcoming, my selfish tendencies and worries get the best of me. I'm sorry. I cannot make any promises or guarantees, but I will try my best to do better as my last year in highschool progresses. If anyone needs me, you can always reach me on Facebook, Twitter (not recommended, I don't check often), email, Skype, text, or Gchat (also not recommended). If you need a means of contacting me, just ask. I really do want to help people, but the first step is becoming more selfless and doing more for others rather than thinking of myself first. I honestly don't hate anyone. I love people, I love making others happy. And it's time that I actually start doing that.
Again, I'm so sorry to you all. But perhaps now I can stop wallowing in self-pity and do something to make others happy again. What use is happiness if you cannot share it? And if I can repay anything, it's happiness.
Thank you all for everything you've done to me. I've met so many kind people over the years, I can't even recount all the kindnesses given to me. But perhaps I can begin to repay the kindnesses, one by one.

August 11th, 2014: Insecurities

I realized I have strayed from the original goals of this blog; I shall return to the point in the next few days. In the meantime, I wrote a poem about how my insecurities plague my mind, and what the constant battle weighs upon me and my SO (the 'mine' and 'you' in the poem, if you will). 

Insecurity

Insults and follies ever tangible,
Clouding the mind with self-hatred,
No vacancy for your kind words, no,
But plenty of space for the irrational

Thoughts that control my perspective -
In my mind, I am nothing but mistakes.
In yours, perhaps different; merci,
But I just don't see that reflection.

Perhaps you're frustrated, I see.
As am I, yet you're different than me;
You can escape my insecurity,
While I am ensnared in self-pity.

I wouldn't implore so vividly,
If only I knew the way out.
Please, have patience, amour
And be the light that sets me free.

For while I may sulk over such,
Even a word can relinquish
The clutch these thoughts share,
And perhaps show just as much.

The cycle is unforgiving to you,
Time is short, phrases are lost.
I beseech of you, give hope;
Pourquoi m'aimes-tu?

Apologies; I shouldn't question
Such endearment so lightly.
I only ask in my plea for help
Against the thoughts I mention.

I pray it's not too much to say,
Nor a burden too large to carry.
You're only so wonderful, mon cher,
And your help is so well conveyed.

Should I not be so haughty as to love me;
Myself that has garnered this much folly?
Or forgive, désolé, and remember
Whose love I obtained so easily?

Je t'aime, but not I and my flaws, too
Still not yet have I conquered this fear.
Of melancholy and failure, yet,
May I see the success inside you.

Merci, you've done ever well
And patience a virtue to have,
For this war is longstanding,
And still you stand to tell.

Merci.

July 1st - July 8th, 2014: Screaming Children

Thought for the week: Why does repetition tend to do the opposite of what it's meant for?

Preparing for the upcoming week, July started off most interesting. I've come to the realization that I am utterly emotionally attached to those closest to me - notably poor Josh, who must have me stuck down his throat like a cough he can't shake. He says he doesn't mind it so much as it feels nice to be so wanted, but I feel bad for wanting all the attention of one person. How can I miss someone so much when they live a mere 20 minutes away from me? It all seems improbable to me, yet I miss him all the same. After a cookout with friends over the weekend - where the mightiest of stories were told and broken, and sanity alike - I spent my mellow week merely sitting for my siblings. I don't mind this, I know both my stepfather and mother are under a lot of pressure, but at the same time my little siblings drive me up the wall. They love to scream, especially my little brother. It's hard to discipline them correctly, as the minute they realize they're in trouble, they continue to scream. Ah, there's simply not enough ibuprofen. Also, last week I decided to delete my Facebook account for one month, as per the advice of Josh. This will serve as an experiment to my self esteem; on Facebook, all I do is worry about how much better others are than I. Without that constantly popping up in my face, hopefully I can focus on better, more important things this summer, like having fun. And hopefully it'll do good for my self-esteem. I can only hope for the best. But as the week came to an end, we planned a family trip. The weekend of July 4th is always busy, but this year it was especially so. My mother planned a trip to the Great Escape, and we lodged at a nearby inn for the night. My adult sister and her fiance joined us, and it was all around a fun time, since I seldom see her these days. The first day, my mother, stepfather, younger siblings, sister and fiance, and Josh and I arrived at the hotel at 3 pm to check in, and we then unpacked our things and hung out for awhile as everyone got comfortable. I feel bad, and just hope I didn't make Josh feel awkward at all during the trip. I've spent so much time around his family, but he has yet to see the worst of my own. Hopefully he won't start running for the hills once he does. But after we were all settled in, we decided to go to Pizza Hut for dinner before hitting the Great Escape. Salads, large pizzas, hot wings, the usual meal there. Except the hot wings are just what they sound like. Hot. Not so much spicy as they are just hot. They make you break out in a sweat and leave your mouth on fire for a good 5 minutes. But overall, the meal was delicious, and we took home plenty of leftover hot wings. We went to the park around 5-6 pm, and while there my sister, Josh, and I rode the Boomerang. Josh doesn't scream on rides, while my sister loves to scream on rides. Me, I had the wind knocked out of me while going forward on the Boomerang, and thus I was unable to scream as I would have loved to out of pure fear. But the ride was fun. My little sister, Alex, got to go on the rides she wanted as well, and my sister and Josh and I went on the Comet, first to commemorate our deceased great grandfather, who loved the Comet, and then to see if I could hold my hands up the entire time on the ride. Josh doubted me, and I don't blame him, but I managed to do it. Never again. We left the park at 9 or so to go view the fireworks show from the Great Escape parking lot. The show was beautiful, and the finale was fantastic. Afterward, we went back to the hotel and went from room to room having fun. The sleeping arrangements were pelted around, mostly because Josh and I are still teenagers, and I suppose my mother feared the worst. I hope she knows I'd respect her and everyone else, and I know Josh would do the same, but there's no arguing a moot point like that. Josh thankfully got a bed to himself, however. I'd feel bad if I put him in an awkward position by making him sleep next to one of my siblings. I shared a bed with my younger sister, and my younger brother slept with my parents. In the morning, we all sat in the hotel for awhile, as my stepfather was in a drunken sleep and preferred to leave later. We drank crappy hotel coffee and gosh darn it we liked it that way (we didn't). We packed up our things and left for the park around 11 am, and spent most of the day in the water park. Josh got Kris, my mother and I to ride the Tornado, a ride that sends you through a tube and into circular dome where you are pushed down on a 4-person tube to the bottom pool. It's a scary rush if you're the one riding down backwards, but a lot of fun overall. We garnered plenty of souvenirs while at the park; my mother bought plenty of souvenir cups for all of us, and I sent Josh home with one of them. She also bought shirts for herself, me, and my younger sister, and Josh won me a green mushroom hat (like the one-ups from the Super Mario series). Overall, I enjoyed every bit of the trip, and I was thrilled that Josh was able to come. He took me to the Great Escape 4 years ago, and it was nice to return the favor, finally. We didn't get to ride the Sasquatch like we did last time, but we have plenty more opportunities to go this summer. We ended up leaving the park a bit early, around 5, as everyone was getting tired. On our way out of the park, we came across a woman who had won a HUGE stuffed gorilla, about 5' tall and 4' wide, and seeing our little sister, she approached us and offered the gorilla to us. Of course, we have no room to put such a big gorilla in our tiny apartment and car, but being that my sister was so excited, we couldn't say no. The gorilla takes up a lot of space in the dining room, but my sister is happy. The rest of the weekend has been lax and mellow, but I still miss Josh as much as I did last week, if not more so. I wonder why I'm so attached to him, even if he doesn't mind it. It makes me feel bad that I want so much of his time, but it's always great to be around him, I miss him the second he says he'll have to leave soon. But I'll see him soon enough; Thursday afternoon should be fun. The kittens his cats had have returned, and are cuter than ever. With enough luck, I may be able to convince my mother to adopt one of the four. But until then, I enjoy being able to see them when I visit Josh, and they're a great comfort to him, too. Hopefully I can convince Josh to try a game with me while I'm there, and then show him the ropes. Hopefully. Or I might scare him away. But we'll see how that turns out. I expect the remainder of the week to be somewhat chaotic, but ever yet, the sun still shines. May I live long and prosper through it.

June 30th, 2014: Re-introduction

As I somewhat predicted, doing a daily blog was a bit much for myself. I tend to get writer's block often, and that interferes with my ability to even talk about my day. Sometimes I find that words come easily to me; other times, I have no idea what to say. It's a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I can write beautiful poetry, sometimes I can't think of a single word. And so, my blog crumbled within a week of starting it. I need to find a new name for this blog, because I'll be doing weekly updates on my documentation from now own; each post will be either on Sundays or Mondays, my most free days, and I'll recap my week in a short essay, hopefully giving some insight on my doings and seeing just how far I've come. I tend to think of that a lot; with summer finally here, it's hard to find my motivation once again. I have so much fear about my future; will I amount to nothing? What if I don't get into college? What if I fail out of college? What if I can't afford college? What if I can't find a job/lose my future job? What if my aspirations go no where? I'm worried about so much. I have comfort in some things and with Josh, but otherwise, I worry so much. Lately, all I've done is worry. What if I'm not as pretty as that girl? What if I'm not as smart? Good enough? Interesting enough? Charming, witty, enthralling, you name it. Worry out the wazoo. And I think I've finally realized that worry is what kills my self esteem. The more I worry, the less I think of myself, and the more I question how 'good' I really am. I question whether others are better than I, and whether I can be as good as they are. And for once, I'm tired of worry; I'm tired of being addicted to the sad feeling I get when I worry; I'm tired of looking for comfort in other people. I just need to remind myself that I am good enough. I am loved. I will make it. Reminders don't hurt, of course, but I can't rely entirely on others to determine my self worth. Especially not when those people need me; the happier I can be, the less worried, the happier and less worried I can make Josh. Putting some confidence in myself, I can give him the confidence he needs. Yes, maybe other people could do the same, as I so worry, but he chose to stick with me. And for that, I must have something to me. There must be something good in me. Just as I so want to help others see the good in themselves, I want to see that for myself; as it stands, when I post a picture of myself on social media, I have to get off of that website and not check my notifications for the next 3 days for sheer fear of what people will say or think. For what reason? If the only person's opinion who matters (that being my SO) thinks well of my appearance, isn't that all that matters? Why am I so dependent on the opinions of others? I couldn't tell you, but perhaps now I can finally be rid of that, and find grounds for self worth on my own. And then, perhaps I can do the same for Josh, whom I worry about constantly. I need to support myself before I can do so for someone else; and he does his best for me, now it's my turn. Overall, I am a happy person. I just don't have the self-esteem I need to get through the worries and overthoughts. But slowly, I will conquer the negativity, because it's too selfish to stay in my self-pity and wait for someone else to save me, especially when people need me. And as long as they do, I'll always do my best. I suppose this has been my general thought process for the week; ever since school let out, I've been tossing and turning with emotions. Fear, worry, sadness, more fear, and dejection. But I just have to remind myself that I am indeed good enough, and tomorrow will remain the same. And with this, mayhaps I can do something more for Josh. Perhaps I can be the light he needs. I too may need emotional support at times, but not so much that I'm harping on myself. I suppose that's also my problem; I've felt so sad lately and I couldn't figure out why. My negative thoughts have clouded my rational thinking, to the point where I know what I'm thinking is irrational and yet fail to stop the thoughts. At the end of the day, what I wish to remember most is that I will be okay. There is hope yet, happiness abundant. Even if I am not okay at one point, I will be. Some day. 

June 17th, 2014: Stage Fright

Thought of the day: Where does stage fright come from? 

Summer is dawning on me more and more lately - I can't sleep at night due to anticipation; I can't get myself out of bed in the morning, also out of anticipation. But I'm pushing through this week, for the week is almost half over already, and it's sure to be great; today was more review, movie-watching and fun. History was all but the same, except that my teacher was going stir-crazy just letting us do silent work and so he talked about World War I and the current issues in Iraq, which was rather interesting to hear about. Programming was, well, programming, but it wasn't half bad; we're now making our own game for the upcoming final, and it's coming along nicely. Chorus has been rather fun, as well; today, we listened to solos from some of the members, and they all sounded wonderful. Mary sang Titanium, and she sounded great, even though she was nervous for some reason, despite not really being afraid of other's opinions. She encouraged me to sing a solo sometime this week or on Monday; I might, I don't know. I wouldn't know what to sing for a solo, and if I got up there, I don't know if I could get any words out without panicking and cracking my voice. I don't know why I have such terrible stage fright - I'm not all that afraid of judgment. I moderately like my singing voice, and others have given me encouragement that I can sing decently, so it's not that; perhaps it's my low self-esteem that gets to me. Maybe if I can work on that a bit more, I'll sign up to sing on Monday. But what song? Oh, there's so many. I'd go with a popular song, but that seems too cliche/over-used. I'd go with an obscure song, but then people wouldn't connect to it or understand where it was from. I'm trying to find a song with some sort of middle ground; mayhaps a Coldplay or Paramore song, maybe The Only Exception? If only I could drag Josh out of AP Calc so he could come listen. Maybe. Theatre Arts today was interesting; first we had a fire drill, and had to step out into the humidity, which interrupted us finishing our movie; we were less than five minutes from finishing it today. Perhaps I'm grateful for that - and don't get me wrong, Marathon Man is a great movie - suspense/thrillers just aren't my type of movie. Also, no gore, or secret government agents. No thank you, I'll stick with my Disney movies. But ah well, it was a great movie despite my bias against suspense and thrillers. Luckily I didn't have to take the bus or walk home today, as Josh had an orthodontist appointment and a lawn to mow after school, and so he was able to drive to school and drive me home, which was nice. I keep glimpsing to the future, which may sound silly, but all the small things like this make me have something to look forward to. But hopefully Josh didn't die of heat today; or pain for that matter, as getting braces tightened is just as much fun. Which is to say, not at all. Ah well, I just wish him well. When I got home, I curled up on the couch in fetal position with the air conditioner right in front of me and took a short nap, and then had some delicious Moose Tracks ice cream, which I'm sure I'll pay for in weight later. Oh well; soon, running, soon. May this upcoming Friday be ever in my favor; a half day, two exams, and I have the rest of the day with Josh. Perhaps we'll get to play tennis again, or maybe even run if it's nice out. Whatever it is, Friday is sure to be fun. Until then, go in peace.

June 16th, 2014: The (Second to) Last Monday!

Thought of the day: Why does writer's block occur at random?
Ah, another Monday. At least this is the last schoolday Monday. Almost; normally, I wouldn't have to go in to school next Monday, as I have no exams in my 3rd and 4th block classes, but I have to go in anyhow, because of the days of school that I've missed. But the days are bound to be fun; perhaps I can convince my 4th block to have a little party on Monday, seeing as we won't have a final exam. Today has been interesting, but overall good; I ended up getting up a bit late, but made it in just around 7:00 this morning. However, when I arrived, there were no tables set out, and so my group of friends huddled by a corner of a nearby wall in the cafeteria until we were all there. It was a bit odd, but nothing too unusual. Perhaps the janitors forgot to arrive earlier to set out the tables. First block with my morning coffee was a breeze, and Mr. Friday was very understanding about me forgetting to turn in my term paper, but I did indeed have it ready on Friday. So, that's handed in, and I have no homework to worry about this week besides an essay for my Theatre Arts class and exam review Thursday night. I'm awful at remembering assignments, anyhow; I have a terrible memory unless I have huge reminders plastered in front of me, for some reason. But, ah well; what needs to be done is done, and there's little to worry about until summer begins. 2nd block was rather fun; we designed our own sprites for a game we're working on as part of the final, and Mr. Patac even gave us brownies this morning, which were delicious, and everyone seemed happy to get to work after that. Chorus was a bit dull and loud, but I sat next to Mary again, and we sang Broadway songs, which was nice. She's told me she signed up to sing a song for the class tomorrow, and encouraged me to do the same; I'm glad she had the courage to, but I don't think I'd be able to do that. Maybe; I might just sign up for the lulz and then do a simple but nice song. Just maybe. In 4th block, we started watching a movie called Marathon Man, which is...interesting, to see the least. But a note of warning; if you're scared of the sight of murder/blood and suspense music just gives you pure chills, I wouldn't recommend watching it. It's certainly a nice movie, but too much for myself to handle. I'll try to make it to the end of the movie and see how it ends, though. After school today wasn't terribly eventful; I had time with Alex today, as my mother and little brother were out shopping again, and I helped her make a cupcake, and then we played for a bit before she wanted to use the computer. And while out, my mother picked me up some really nice Nike running shoes for this summer; I'm not overweight at all, but I'm very out of shape, and so this summer I'd like to start running with Josh and maybe playing tennis, too - if I picked up any sport, I'd like to try out tennis. Mayhaps I can start on that soon; once I break in these new shoes, of course. I was able to have my favorite sausage gumbo soup for lunch, and it was impeccable. Savory food will be the death of me. Now, to get some caffeine in myself so that I don't pass out at 8:30 pm. Brace yourselves; final exams are coming.

June 14th, 2014: Self Esteem

Thought of the day: Why do we need sleep?

Ah, Saturdays, they come too slowly and leave as soon as they arrive. Or so it seems; today has gone by slightly slower, however, which is nice. I was able to get some time to myself today while my siblings and mother went out, and in that time I cleaned up a bit and started working on some self-issues. I've never really had a high self esteem or positive self image; I've always known this, but it took me until recently to realize that I rely on others to validate who I am. I especially do this to Josh, which not only stresses the both of us out but makes me feel worse when it hurts him. It's not healthy to rely on others for self worth, and I'm starting to see that more as my dependency grows. So today, I've been working on improving my self image - continually bashing on myself will do nothing for me but make my relationships with other people worsen, if not break. I've decided to set up a goal for myself; every day, focus on one good thing about myself and exercise it. For example, I took up this blog in part to exercise my writing ability, get out my thoughts, and improve my self esteem. So far, it's been working. I feel better about myself, and I enjoy writing immensely. It's a release of emotions and a way for me to rationalize my thoughts. I've also been working on drawing and calligraphy lately; every so often, I like to make little projects for people. If I can find my calligraphy paper, I came up with a great idea for something to make for Josh. Well, I didn't come up with it on my own, but if I can replicate it onto calligraphy, hopefully he'll be impressed. I'm also trying to take up more activities this summer in order to release emotion and feel better about my image. Hopefully, in gradual steps, I'll be able to make this work. I also have to remember to stop focusing on the negative - everyone has faults and problems. The important part is that I see each of my mistakes as a chance to learn something new for future reference, and that I recognize the good in me and exercise that. Another good thing in myself is that I enjoy helping others in whatever way I can; it makes me happy to make others happy. I try to help all I can, especially Josh, and hopefully with a more positive outlook on myself, I can help him to have a positive outlook on himself as well. I can't escape my follies, I can only do better the next time around. Which I always strive to do. I have so much hope for the future, but also fear; I suppose what I also need to work on is diminishing that fear. Fear has controlled me for far too long lately - it's time to take control of my emotions and follow my dreams. And for everyone's sake, I have to learn to love myself again. But now I'm merely ranting about my emotions; the day hasn't been too exciting yet. I'd like to help my mother out with the cooking tonight and set aside some time to read tonight. I haven't read a good book in awhile, but hopefully I can find something that will hold my interest. Until then, I have no homework over the weekend besides an essay, and chores around the house that still need to be done. May procrastination not get the best of me today. With this improved mindset, may tomorrow prove to be a sunny day after all.

June 13th, 2014

Thought of the day: Why is thirteen considered both a lucky and unlucky number?
Fridays are always interesting days. School started off a bit slow, but rationalizing my thoughts and just being in a good environment helped. Not that home is a bad environment; it's just sometimes too loud for me to sort out my thoughts. In school, I at least have some time to think and write or just ponder, which is nice. I try to ponder whatever I'm staring at; today, it was rain. I really enjoy the soothing sound of a soft rain on the rooftops, but at the same time I dislike the melancholy look outside of grey skies when it rains. I once wrote a soliloquy on rain - for some reason, listening to the sound of rain allows me to focus on that sound and then sort out my thoughts. Which is nice. I enjoy just taking the time to ponder things like rain. But then, I have to stop zoning out for awhile and focus on school once more. Not too difficult; History is more review, and I feel rather confident for the upcoming exam. The only thing I worry about is that I forgot to print out my term paper for my History teacher today, and I was too much of a coward to drop it off later in the day. Ah, hopefully he accepts emails. But that was the most of my worry for today. In Programming, we're kind of getting off track and all over the place with the upcoming final exam. Today was interesting, however; we made 32x32px art in GIMP, a very useful (and free) program used for making and editing images. Today we started off simple, however, and just made a 32x32 cube, using a color palate to shade either side of the cube. And then we get to make our own little sprite; I'd like to try and see if I can't make something like a Pikachu. Easy enough, but it poses somewhat of a challenge with the small space and zoom function provided with the smallest image size. Chorus was interesting as well; I normally sit by strangers, but today I sat with a girl in my grade, Mary, who I know well enough, and she's quite nice. I can hold decent conversation with her, and she sings very well. But we weren't sitting in rows for all too long today; instead, we got together into small groups for a game called Sing Off. Each group comes up with as many songs - any song at all, as long as it's school appropriate or can be censored - as they can in five minutes, and then the teacher picks the order in which the groups will sing; the groups then start in order, singing any song off their list that at least one of the group members knows the words to, and when the teacher has heard enough, they cut the group off and go on to the next group. Relatively fun and simple, but there are some restrictions; if you sing a song that another group had previously sung, you receive a strike against your group; you also receive a strike for talking too much/loudly while another group is performing, or if your group takes too long to come up with a song. Three strikes, and your group is out. It's simple and fun, and hardly any group ever gets out. After Chorus, I didn't go directly to lunch; first, I printed off my term paper, then was too chicken to give it to my 1st block teacher, and then went to the cafeteria to pick up my lunch and head to Theatre Arts, but on my way there I ran into one of my friends, Connor, who happens to be a freshman and thus cannot leave the cafeteria for lunch. He stopped me while getting lunch and asked me to sit with him, and I normally decline so I can get to class and start working, but today I was free so I agreed to sit with him. He also had a Gameboy Advance with him with Pokemon Yellow on it, which was also convincing. But sitting at his lunch table was a bit of a mistake; his friends are...interesting, to say the least. Not in a bad way, of course, they just tend to get a tad out of hand with their conversations at times. But they're nice enough. Theatre Arts was a bit of a trainwreck, however; I had completely forgotten about finishing my puppet scene that I was doing with a fellow friend, Travis, and we had to scramble to make a last-minute ditch effort to complete it. Which was just plain terrible, but we got it over with and didn't have to deal with a zero, which was the best of the worst. It was a bit rainy on the way home today, but not too bad, and once it was time for me to get my little sister off the bus, the sun was out and it looked like a beautiful afternoon. We had some time to ourselves today while my mother and little brother ran errands, which was nice. Silent time is always appreciated when you have two younger siblings that are both 10+ years younger than you. Though we also had a visitor today; Josh went out for a job interview today, and shortly after came over to my place to relax for awhile. (And he got the job! He starts tomorrow, which is fantastic). We watched the last bit of the original Ice Age movie, and then watched Jumanji while just relaxing together, which is always nice. Being with him is always calming, and it's always nice to be shown affections and give them. My mind is at rest today, and I have confidence in the fact that he loves me, which is unusual for me. But I'm glad to have it, and hope I can make it extend and calm my mind further. Overall, a content day. Josh went home about an hour ago, and hopefully he can spend some time with his family tonight and then get to bed at a reasonable time; tomorrow he'll be starting at his new job, bright and early in the morning, and I keep him up enough at night. But hopefully he's well; I always like to ask to make sure, and do what I can to ensure that. His depression surely drains him, but I try to help as best I can; as I like to see it, things are looking up for him. He's recently received a 4-year scholarship to a technical school in New York, got this job for the summer, has finished his AP exams and final projects, and somehow through it all he still finds time for me, which I find incredible. Maybe 13 is my lucky number, because I couldn't have found a better person. He'd like to think otherwise, but pft, guys are clueless.
Anywho, enough ranting from me; tomorrow's agenda looks simple; see Doubt for Theatre Arts at 2pm, practice some HTML/CSS, practice guitar chords, clean up computer and do some cleaning around the house before summer arrives. May the odds be ever in my favor.

June 12th, 2014

Thought of the day: Why is Wednesday spelled 'wed-nes-day' but pronounced 'wenzday'?

In the back of my mind, I'm counting down until the last day of school. Sadly, the last day of school falls on a Monday, of all days. But it's only a half-day, and I won't have any finals that day, so it's not too bad. Until then, my first two classes have been working on Exam review and building programs, respectively. I feel confident enough about my upcoming History exam already, and my Programming final should be relatively easy. Nothing to worry about, as I see it. Today has been light, but interesting thus far. I've slept a mere 4 hours and yet feel awake as can be; and I really don't know why I don't sleep at night. I just feel the need to stay up and be productive with my time, and then fret over how much time I have before I need to get up and then stay up even longer. But I made it out of bed around 6:15 this morning, which is the cutoff for me not being late to school (I walk. Better exercise overall.). My mood is rather stable at the moment, but being a teenage pubescent girl, that could change at any moment. I've felt quite elated all morning, and Josh seemed content to be, which was all around good. I have a slight headache around my left temple, but it isn't too severe or interfering with my work. Today in History, we reviewed the Enlightenment period, perhaps my favorite period in history. And now I'm hitting myself over the head for not writing my term paper on the Enlightenment period - I could go back and rewrite it, but it's a 6-8 page paper due tomorrow, which would be rather unsightly to write all in one night. But it could be done, of course. Perhaps I might. The rest of my day should be simple enough; Chorus and Theatre Arts are always of interest, and S.O.S. itself isn't too bad. Hopefully I'll finish my project for Josh by the end of the school year. It's coming along well, I just hope I don't mess up the color scheme any time soon. And hopefully the rain will stop by this afternoon; if anything, I'd like to get my hair trimmed today and perhaps find some new running sneakers. Taking up running or tennis this summer would be nice. Anywho; I'll edit this sometime later today if something of interest occurs. Until then.

Rendezvous

Oh my, my first blog post! How exciting.
Well, not really my first. I ran a blog off of Wordpress to document my thoughts, poetry and ideas, but that blog has since come to an end, and I more often simply write to social media. But I don't want to forget who I am at the same time, and so I decided to create a blog in which I post daily about my endeavors and encounters. Will it be exciting? Most likely not, I live a simple life and have a very large comfort zone. But this is more of a personal blog, anyhow. I want to document my life so I don't forget who I am - as of late, it appears I may have. I've let my happiness slip beyond me, and let my self-esteem all but plummet as my disdain for myself grew over this last year; I realize that if I wish to lead a successful life, I can't harp on myself all the time, or I'll hardly get anywhere. And I want to follow my dreams, no matter the hardship that may pull me back. There is never a more opportune time than now. But, without further adieu, I'd like to give some background information about myself, as well, before I truly 'begin' the blog.
Background:
To start out, my name is Sierra Hope S.; last name omitted for being much too long and distasteful. I was born in southern Vermont on April 6th, 1997, and have lived here my entire life. My life has been rather easy, but not without some troubles here and there. I live with my mother, whom I consider both my mother and father, though my biological father is still alive. I have no contact with him, nor wish to at this point in my life due to a history of traumatic verbal abuse, which cannot even be reported, as verbal abuse leaves no physical marks. But that isn't of too much importance now; what's important is that I'm now living in a safe and loving environment with a wonderful mother. I was born with only an older sister, who is four years my senior, but at times can be as mature as a 6-year old. She's also quite a pain in the neck, but I love her to pieces, and she's always been a great sibling. Over the years, I gained two other siblings, and younger brother and sister; my little brother is now 2 1/2 years old, and my little sister just turned 7 not too long ago. They give me the worst headaches and encourage me to not have children until I'm in my 30's, but I love them both to death. I also have a lovely dork of a boyfriend, whom is my age and the one person who can get me out of bed in the morning and give me the inspiration I need to make it through the day. I'm nearly done with my junior year in highschool, and I'm both excited and scared to be a senior; I still have so much to do my senior year. I have yet to take Driver's Ed, but will be incorporating the class into my schedule next year, and hopefully will have my license no later than January. I know, I'm a slacker. I'm just entirely afraid of being a poor driver, but hey, that's what Driver's Ed is for, anyway. I'm also looking to take more music and computer courses, as I will either major in Music Education or Computer Science in college. I'd like to go to college in New York, as it's the next state over, and I've always wanted to see what living in rural New York was like; I'll never live in a city, however. Big cities are just too crowded for me, but being close to stores is a nicety. I'd like to also incorporate writing into my future career, but I know that it's difficult to make a living off of writing; perhaps I'll leave it as a side hobby until then. As my year goes on, hopefully I'll figure that out.
Interests and Hobbies:
Music: There's almost nothing I love more than music. Maybe Josh. Maybe. I've been in my school's choir since 2nd grade, all except for my freshman year, when I was unaware that I could ask my counselor to put me in chorus. Ah, well; next year, however, I may not be in chorus, as there's many more classes I'd like to take before school is over, though I may be able to audit the class in somehow. Hopefully. This year, I also decided to take up the acoustic guitar, which I've always wanted to learn. Hopefully by next year I'll have a few songs down, besides Wonderwall, and will be able to enjoy music while not being in a music class.
Writing and Drawing: 
I wouldn't call myself an artist by a long shot; no, I am merely one who enjoys doodling. I probably won't do anything with art, but I always find doodling relaxing, and sometimes am able to make some interesting drawings. As for writing, I'm much more proficient, and love poetry most of all. I don't like to read poetry as much, unless it's very eye-catching. I'd have to say my favorite poet is William Butler Yeats; what that man could do with words is amazing. My favorite poem is Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven, and I try to take after Yeats' example. Though I will also likely do little with writing in my future career, I would like to continue writing and maybe publish a poetry book later on in life. If I can find a publisher one day..
Favorites:
I have a lot of favorite things, but for some things I have trouble finding favorites. Rather than paragraph format, here's a colossal list of my favorite things and enjoyements;

• Josh; He doesn't even need a category.
• Food: Pizza, gumbo, lentil soup, falafel, anything Thai
• Color(s): Purple, Green, Blue, and certain shades of a reddish-Pink
• Movies: The Lion King, Warm Bodies, How to Train Your Dragon, The Dark Knight Trilogy, Rent, Les Miserables (Liam Neeson version), Oliver Twist (2005)
• Television: Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra, House, Friends, That 70's Show, Whose Line is it Anyway, Doctor Who
• Music: Adam Gontier, Thirty Seconds to Mars, Imagine Dragons, Skillet, Paramore, Flyleaf, Foo Fighters, Saosin, Coldplay, Borderlands 2 Soundtrack, Payday & Payday 2 Soundtracks
• Books: The Inheritance Cycle, The Lovely Bones, 13 Reasons Why, Harry Potter Series, A Song of Ice and Fire
• Games: Portal & Portal 2, Borderlands 2, Payday 2, WoW, Minecraft, Pokemon, Kirby's Epic Yarn, Chivalry: Medieval Warfare, The Elder Scrolls IV & V: Oblivion and Skyrim, Scribblenauts Unlimited, Octodad & Octodad: Dadliest Catch, The Cat Lady, Team Fortress 2, Surgeon Simulator 2013, The Stanley Parable, Super Hexagon, Goat Simulator, Plague Inc., Arc Rise Fantasia

I may go back and edit this later, but for now, hopefully that's sufficient information about me. Onward, to victory!