June 30th, 2014: Re-introduction

As I somewhat predicted, doing a daily blog was a bit much for myself. I tend to get writer's block often, and that interferes with my ability to even talk about my day. Sometimes I find that words come easily to me; other times, I have no idea what to say. It's a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I can write beautiful poetry, sometimes I can't think of a single word. And so, my blog crumbled within a week of starting it. I need to find a new name for this blog, because I'll be doing weekly updates on my documentation from now own; each post will be either on Sundays or Mondays, my most free days, and I'll recap my week in a short essay, hopefully giving some insight on my doings and seeing just how far I've come. I tend to think of that a lot; with summer finally here, it's hard to find my motivation once again. I have so much fear about my future; will I amount to nothing? What if I don't get into college? What if I fail out of college? What if I can't afford college? What if I can't find a job/lose my future job? What if my aspirations go no where? I'm worried about so much. I have comfort in some things and with Josh, but otherwise, I worry so much. Lately, all I've done is worry. What if I'm not as pretty as that girl? What if I'm not as smart? Good enough? Interesting enough? Charming, witty, enthralling, you name it. Worry out the wazoo. And I think I've finally realized that worry is what kills my self esteem. The more I worry, the less I think of myself, and the more I question how 'good' I really am. I question whether others are better than I, and whether I can be as good as they are. And for once, I'm tired of worry; I'm tired of being addicted to the sad feeling I get when I worry; I'm tired of looking for comfort in other people. I just need to remind myself that I am good enough. I am loved. I will make it. Reminders don't hurt, of course, but I can't rely entirely on others to determine my self worth. Especially not when those people need me; the happier I can be, the less worried, the happier and less worried I can make Josh. Putting some confidence in myself, I can give him the confidence he needs. Yes, maybe other people could do the same, as I so worry, but he chose to stick with me. And for that, I must have something to me. There must be something good in me. Just as I so want to help others see the good in themselves, I want to see that for myself; as it stands, when I post a picture of myself on social media, I have to get off of that website and not check my notifications for the next 3 days for sheer fear of what people will say or think. For what reason? If the only person's opinion who matters (that being my SO) thinks well of my appearance, isn't that all that matters? Why am I so dependent on the opinions of others? I couldn't tell you, but perhaps now I can finally be rid of that, and find grounds for self worth on my own. And then, perhaps I can do the same for Josh, whom I worry about constantly. I need to support myself before I can do so for someone else; and he does his best for me, now it's my turn. Overall, I am a happy person. I just don't have the self-esteem I need to get through the worries and overthoughts. But slowly, I will conquer the negativity, because it's too selfish to stay in my self-pity and wait for someone else to save me, especially when people need me. And as long as they do, I'll always do my best. I suppose this has been my general thought process for the week; ever since school let out, I've been tossing and turning with emotions. Fear, worry, sadness, more fear, and dejection. But I just have to remind myself that I am indeed good enough, and tomorrow will remain the same. And with this, mayhaps I can do something more for Josh. Perhaps I can be the light he needs. I too may need emotional support at times, but not so much that I'm harping on myself. I suppose that's also my problem; I've felt so sad lately and I couldn't figure out why. My negative thoughts have clouded my rational thinking, to the point where I know what I'm thinking is irrational and yet fail to stop the thoughts. At the end of the day, what I wish to remember most is that I will be okay. There is hope yet, happiness abundant. Even if I am not okay at one point, I will be. Some day.